I woke up early without the aid of an alarm, my phone forgotten in the nursery on the ground floor, accidentally left playing ambient music to my plants all night long.
Weighed in, down. Dressed, last notch on the belt is too loose, soon I’ll have to punch another. One cat fed, the other off her meds and hiding. Gym bag already packed. Kung fu bag for later. A twelve minute walk followed by an hour’s jog, then five more minutes’ walk to the coffee shop.
Updated sales page, new items for Agricultural Alchemy. Weekly check in with my father stationed in Kenya. This month’s student loan paid. Coffee drunk, the barista’s mistake resulting in a free additional latte.
I’ve been up for fewer than five hours and done most of what I wanted from today, and yet I feel off, hunted, uncomfortable sitting still, cold, aggressive. My hackles are up. There’s no reason why. The caffeine I’ve consumed is no more than my norm, less than the strength I’d make at home.
The more I do the wider the funnel opens, like a hydra, each task done opening the way to two more that need doing. All through it a chill I can’t shake, as if I were feverish.
Feeling rimy is always a shock to me. I don’t feel the cold, not the way others seem to. I’ve always been comfortable in it, never minded the sensation, looked forward to it each summer, but now it’s all I can do to keep my teeth from gritting as prevention against a chatter.
I don’t want to work on my novel, barely was able to manage busy work on the other site. I still feel locked out, as if I’d forgotten my keys and all the text remained inside. I’d force a window if I could find one.
All the characters who should live in my head have gone silent and I don’t know how to reach them. I’m stuck making flowery descriptions of myself in an attempt to breath some fictive life into my own far too plain existence.
The words are on the page, but when they run out I don’t know how to continue the path.
I’ll have to bushwhack my way through if I want to make any progress.
The blog is a start.
Next, an open page.